Perception vs. Reality

For you long time readers, you know this is something I struggle with constantly. Usually because I panic about everything (and I mean everything) blowing it out of proportion. I put such enormous pressure on myself that my concept of reality gets skewed and I end up in a state of anxiety for a week, walking on eggshells. So it shouldn't be surprising that this skewed perception transfers to other aspects of my life. Like oh say, weight and body image. As I've said before I've been blessed with athleticism and good genetics and have never been overweight a day in my life, nor have I ever had terrible eating habits. Well, terrible as in all I ate was junk food.  I definitely have had terrible eating (or lack thereof) habits in the past.

(welcome to my college life)

 So how does this happen? I wish I knew. But I can honestly tell you, when I look in the mirror at home what I see, does not match reality. How do I know this? When I look in the mirror at home, I see someone who is out of shape, flabby and needs to lose probably 20lbs. It's such a strange feeling because I know that what I'm seeing isn't right but it's still there. Like a hallucination. It's frustrating to someone who takes pride in being rational and logical, that no matter how much I tell myself I am in shape and don't need to (can't even afford to!) lose 20lbs I just don't see it.  However, every once and a while, I will be out somewhere: the mall, on a run, out at the bars, and I will catch a glimpse of my reflection and think...omg I'm skinny! At that moment what I'm seeing IS reality. I see the girl who ran a 20K this summer, goes to the gym 4-5 days a week and eats a balanced diet (daily!).  I see myself and that is what I hold onto and remember everyday. I don't spend time in front of mirrors, I don't own a scale and I don't allow myself to compare myself to others. It's a slippery slope for me.

Example:

My friend and co-worker has worked so hard to get healthy and in shape and lost over 30lbs since January. She shared her weight with me a couple weeks ago and it was the same as mine. She is 3 inches taller than me. My brains immediate response was: You need to lose 10lbs. Because I'm shorter I should weigh less. I mentally slapped myself in the face after that.

(via)

 I'm far better off than I was in high school and college. I live a happy and healthy life now. But to say that it's not a daily struggle would be a lie. It is not a big struggle now, but it's always there in the back of my mind and sometimes just the right thing can trigger those thoughts. Luckily I'm surrounded by people that love me for exactly who I am, and most importantly I love exactly who I am.

Body dismorphic disorder and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) do not get discussed or publicized as much as anorexia and bulimia, but they are very real and just as harmful. If you have ever felt like this, please talk to someone and seek help. And if you know someone like this, talk to them and help them.

Happy and Healthy Cheers

Marisa

*this is the 3rd rendition that I've done of this post. I've never had the guts to post until now. 

I Swear I'll Never Give In, I Refuse

Holy hell. This week is never ending. And what's worse? I am in a rut. A workout rut. I worked out today for the first time since Saturday and it was a pretty pathetic attempt. Half assed at best. I don't know what my problem is, but I just cannot get back in the swing of things coming back from this past weekend. Normally it takes me a day or two to get caught up on laundry, cleaning ect...but come Tuesday this week I still wasn't ready to face the gym. I have a bunch of things going on in my head that are driving me mad, and usually working out helps with that. However now, my immediate response to stress is to sit on the couch and knit. Which I mean it could be worse, it could be to sit on the couch and stuff my face. Still, I have worked too hard to just say oh well it's winter, and the days are shorter and it's cold out. More importantly it is just not me. I go to the gym, I run. It's who I am. So tomorrow morning, we're hitting the gym...hard. I don't care how many excuses my brain comes up with to go back to bed, my ass will be at that gym at 5am. I don't care if I cry about it the entire way there. Because I refuse to walk out my door staring at this and feeling guilty anymore.

I refuse to give into my excuses again. 

Anyways! On a happier prettier note, Jessica over at The Embellished Life is having a fabulous giveaway! One lucky reader will get a product line from Paul Labrecque ! Go scope out her blog and enter to win, your hair will thank you ;)

Cheers!

Marisa

title lyrics: Foo Fighters-Best of You

I'm Back From Colorado!

Hello everyone! Oh how I've missed you all and this blog! It's been a crazy week, and stressful getting back into the swing of things. (I think I need a vacation from my vacation!) But it's Friday, it's a 3 day weekend and I'm soooo looking forward to relaxing. :) I will write a proper post this weekend with details but for now I'm going to share with you my hike up Bear Peak.

Bear Peak is located near Boulder, CO by the Flatirons. It has an elevation of 8,461ft, the trail is 4 miles one way and the elevation gain is 2,829ft. That may not seem to crazy, but 2400ft of the elevation gain is in the last 1.8 miles. Thats right it basically starts going straight up. I was pretty proud of myself during the hike as we made pretty decent time and I wasn't dying. However once we reached that point it became climb 10ft, stop. Climb another 10ft, stop. And so on and so on. Luckily I wasn't alone as most hikers seemed to be following the same strategy. It was all worth it in the end when we reached the summit and I got to see for miles :)

 The beginning of the trail and the task that lies ahead....Please note that there is a trail to the trail head on which I almost died. I really was worried that I wouldn't make it after that.

 First elevation shot. See those ants..I mean people down there? That was us at one point!

 I started feeling a little defeated after I was told that was where we were headed. It looked soooooooo far away.

Second elevation shot. This lifted my spirits a little as I could finally see all the progress we've made.

 Thennnnnn came the hard part. And by hard part I mean death part. AKA the climb to the top.

 Somehow I made it up this shit. I don't know how either. Obviously I didn't look down the entire time because if I had a lot of crying would have ensued.

 And success!!!!!!! A very tired, triumphant me sitting on a boulder at the summit.

 A view from the top.

I'm on a mountain bitches!!!!!

And there you have it. Obviously we came back down...which was even harder than going up. I took no pictures on the way down as it was super rocky, steap and my only focus was successfully steeping rock to rock without slipping and breaking my neck. We made it down okay save for a killer bee that was after me most of the way down. (Thats right Zoli I said KILLER BEE. And it really was after me.)

Can't wait to catch up with everyone! Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!!!!

Cheers,

Marisa

A Look Back

"D and I weren't right for each other simple as that. There is nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with him. I know that I'm right for someone and I can't go through life constantly wondering what I'm doing wrong or what I could've done different. When I meet that someone there won't be any doing something wrong because everything we do will be right because we'll be right for each other, and I can't wait for that day.

Until then I'm just going to keep being myself and doing whats right for me."

Almost 2 months ago I wrote those words. Where the hell did that girl go? I have sunk into such a self loathing, insecure pit of despair that I couldn't even imagine writing that paragraph just 4 days ago. Honestly I don't even remember writing them, thats how far into the black hole I am, or should say was. Slowly making my way out. I like to think of that post as the light at the end of the tunnel; The girl I'm going to be in the end and the girl I always will be. It has always been my poor habit of focusing so intently on my flaws and short comings that sometimes I forget what I've accomplished. It's a funny thing, there are over 6 billion people in the world but just 1 single person's rejection is enough to destroy you. What a cruel joke.

I'm Back!

Hello friends! My it has been a while since I've been on here. Let's just say I've been in a pretty dark sad place the last two months that culminated in to a drunken hysterical breakdown. Not exactly how I wanted it to happen. Then again no one really wants breakdowns to happen, but they do. Anyway, after crying for what felt like hours and just saying everything that had been on my mind for the last two months I'm feeling better. Not 100%, but better. This breakup has taken it's toll on me but I think I've reached rock bottom so to speak, and I guess the only place to go from here is up! I've learned a valuable lesson through all of this though and know now why pride is considered the ultimate deadly sin. Throughout this whole ordeal I've made it a point to proclaim that I wanted this and it was a mutual decision. However that was only to save me from having to say that I got dumped. There you have it. I was dumped. And having to pretend that everything was fine and dandy when I was in reality completely destroyed finally caught up with me this weekend. I thought I had to be strong and not let my emotions get in the way; that however was a huge mistake and a mistake that has made me miserable for months. Do not follow in my footsteps friends. While I tend to be fairly apathetic and nonchalant, no one is completely emotionless, and it's okay to let them show once in a while. Otherwise you're going to be the crazy girl outside the bar crying up a storm, and I speak from experience, no one wants to be that girl.

My Apologies

I've been pretty scarce around here in the last month. In fact I've haven't posted in a month. I wish I could blame it on being busy but alas, I have no real excuse. I honestly have had a billion ideas of posts running through my head lately and this is the first time I've decided to sit down and write it out. I suppose most of my ideas haven't be light happy ones about fashion, or awesome good times in Des Moines. Just some conversations I've been having with myself lately that I thought would make good posts. The one I'm going to try to tackle today is : What is wrong with me?

Let me explain. Although D and I parted amicably deciding that we both would be much happier as just friends that question has been running through my head ever since. Why can't he be happy with me? What's wrong with me? Did I not do something enough, or something to much? Despite also wanting out of the relationship I suppose my self-centered ego can't grasp the concept that someone doesn't actually think I'm the shit. I mean I'm pretty, smart, fun, and witty what guy wouldn't want me? I know you're probably thinking I'm a bitch but honestly who hasn't had these thoughts post breakup?

The other thing I've been thinking along these lines is, dating new people is inevitable. So what will this new girl have that I don't? Why will she be different? Why will she be able to keep him happy when I couldn't? Again: What is wrong with me?

I know it sounds like I'm not ready to move on, that I'm trying to think of a way to get D back, but that is far from it. I suppose I'm writing this as a way to get it out to force my self to realize the answer to What is wrong with me?

Absolutely Nothing. Thats what.

D and I weren't right for each other simple as that. There is nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with him. I know that I'm right for someone and I can't go through life constantly wondering what I'm doing wrong or what I could've done different. When I meet that someone there won't be any doing something wrong because everything we do will be right because we'll be right for each other, and I can't wait for that day.

Until then I'm just going to keep being myself and doing whats right for me.