5 Years Ago Today

Normally every February 8th I write a letter to my dad. In my letter I tell him about whats going on in my life, how everyone is doing and most importantly how much I miss him. However this week has been so much tougher than I thought it would be. Not only because of today, but I am up for a job and it's between myself and one other person. Please spare me the whole, "you'll of course get the job" because no matter how much I tell myself that, I know there is a real possibility that I won't get it. And the thought of being such a huge disappointment on this week of all weeks is really more than I can bear right now. 

I don't know if my dad would agree with the decisions I've made, but I know he'd be supportive. I miss that. I miss that the most. Unconditional support. Not that Drew is not supportive but despite my apparent flippant attitude towards family, I wish that I had the kind of family that I could always count on. That I know I could call and they would be there for me no matter what. I suppose I do have that, just not in biological family. I had that with my dad. And I suppose right now more than ever I miss it. 

Whatever the outcome of this job, I'm going to try to stay positive. Runner's up generally go on to win a crown, I should know I've been there before. I'm going to try not to let it ruin my weekend, or let it be a nasty blow to my self esteem. I suppose that's the best any of us can do, and I think my dad would be proud of that attitude. 

Cheers,

Marisa

25 Days of Birthmas Day 13: Remembering Dad

By now you've guessed that I love the holidays and my birthday, but there are always a few times when my Christmas spirit completely tanks and I find myself in tears listening to The Christmas Shoes driving home from work. It's at these times when I'm listening to these sad sappy songs that I start thinking about Christmas 2006, and how it was the last Christmas I would have with my Dad.

My parents tried to tell me I didn't need to come home since weather was always iffy and they didn't want me getting stuck and not able to get back to school. But my Dad was finally out of the hospital and I was determined to go home. I can't even tell you what I got that year, I didn't care. All that I cared about was that my Dad was home, and that meant things were on the up and up. I slept with one eye open the entire time I was home waiting for something bad to happen but it never did. Feeling hopeful and confident that all would be well, I headed back to school to start my very last semester of college and begin preparing for Miss Johnson and Jackson County.

Unfortunately I never got to compete in Miss Jackson County. February 8th my Mom called early in the morning to tell me that Daddy had passed away. I remember the shock, but I didn't cry. At first I was angry that I wasn't there. I should have taken a leave of absence from school for a while to be back home. I knew though that Dad would have been angry at me for neglecting school and making a fuss over him. I was then so happy that I had gone home for Christmas and got to spend one more Birthday with my Dad. He made sure that I had everything I could ever need growing up and always supported me no matter how ridiculous my plans. 

So while sometimes the holidays can get me down with a sad song or two, I just remember all the happy holidays we had together and how he didn't judge me and just laughed when  came stumbling home after Christmas at the bars on my 21st Birthday :)

Cheers,

Marisa

Camping Anxiety??? Oh No Wait...Just The Regular Kind

Last night I was all Monday is going to rock and I"m going to get my ass to the gym at 5 (I did) to start my half marathon training and then at night I won't have to work out and I can relax and blog. After my workout I was feeling pretty good, got ready for the day and headed to work. Somewhere on that drive everything went to shit. I don't know what my deal is today but I haven't been able to shake this sense of impending doom. It's crushing me like a ton of bricks and for the life of me I can't quite figure out why. I am so rigoddamndiculously happy right now and Des Moines is not filled with raging flood waters, and I'm not going weeks without food like the children in Somalia, and I'm most certainly not getting blown up by suicide bombers so WHAT in the world do I have to be all anxious about?

Okay so I mayyyy have a slight clue. I may be soooo happy that it is causing this anxiety. I know first world white girl problems. I hate myself for even saying it because really you're so happy that it gives you anxiety? I would probably tell myself to piss off if I ran into me right now. However I feel like Charlotte in the good SATC movie, where she has everything she's ever wanted and is afraid something bad is going to happen to her. That's how I feel. Unfortunately for me I didn't shit my pants this year, so I guess I'm not done. 

Perhaps it's because things are starting to feel real. Like it's official, people know. Hey everyone I have an amazing boyfriend who is the bomb and gives up his 2012 Ikea catalog for me. So perhaps now that everyone knows, now that I can say "this is my boyfriend...." I'm so afraid of losing it. Does that make sense? Or am I being a ridiculous whiny little bitch who needs to man up? 

I'm sure it will pass but until it does, lets just blame it on the camping shall we?

Cheers

Marisa

Dear Daddy

It’s been 4 years today. I can’t believe it; it still feels like yesterday when Mom called so early in the morning to break the news. I should’ve gone home and been there. But I know you would’ve been mad at me for neglecting my studies. So much has happened in four years. I graduated! I wish you could’ve been there, but I know you were still proud of me. I didn’t move back home, I stayed here in Iowa and moved to Des Moines. I built a life here for myself, and I know that it’s because of you and your guidance and support that I am where I am today. I may not have always listened to you (okay you were right should’ve stayed away from musicians) but I always appreciated your unconditional support when I didn’t. You let me make my own mistakes and learn from them, but were always there to pick me back up and keep pushing me forward. There have been times in the last year where I wanted to give up and admit defeat but I thought of you reminding me that this isn’t so bad and that I’m stronger than that. So I did as you had always taught me and kept my head up and carried on, and you know what? It wasn’t so bad and now I couldn’t be happier. Yes, Will and I are still friends. I know you are curious as he was always your favorite. He’s finishing law school this year, and then I think he’s done because unless he’s going for PhD, there is nothing left. (Love you Will) Danielle is married and has a new baby boy! Can you believe it? We’re getting so old; seems like only yesterday we were building forts out of kitchen chairs and blankets.

I miss you and still think of you every day, but don’t worry about me; this little princess is doing just fine on her own. I still have my Birkenstocks…you know the ones you called Jesus cleats. I think I keep them just for that joke.

Love you,

Marisa