Perception vs. Reality

For you long time readers, you know this is something I struggle with constantly. Usually because I panic about everything (and I mean everything) blowing it out of proportion. I put such enormous pressure on myself that my concept of reality gets skewed and I end up in a state of anxiety for a week, walking on eggshells. So it shouldn't be surprising that this skewed perception transfers to other aspects of my life. Like oh say, weight and body image. As I've said before I've been blessed with athleticism and good genetics and have never been overweight a day in my life, nor have I ever had terrible eating habits. Well, terrible as in all I ate was junk food.  I definitely have had terrible eating (or lack thereof) habits in the past.

(welcome to my college life)

 So how does this happen? I wish I knew. But I can honestly tell you, when I look in the mirror at home what I see, does not match reality. How do I know this? When I look in the mirror at home, I see someone who is out of shape, flabby and needs to lose probably 20lbs. It's such a strange feeling because I know that what I'm seeing isn't right but it's still there. Like a hallucination. It's frustrating to someone who takes pride in being rational and logical, that no matter how much I tell myself I am in shape and don't need to (can't even afford to!) lose 20lbs I just don't see it.  However, every once and a while, I will be out somewhere: the mall, on a run, out at the bars, and I will catch a glimpse of my reflection and think...omg I'm skinny! At that moment what I'm seeing IS reality. I see the girl who ran a 20K this summer, goes to the gym 4-5 days a week and eats a balanced diet (daily!).  I see myself and that is what I hold onto and remember everyday. I don't spend time in front of mirrors, I don't own a scale and I don't allow myself to compare myself to others. It's a slippery slope for me.

Example:

My friend and co-worker has worked so hard to get healthy and in shape and lost over 30lbs since January. She shared her weight with me a couple weeks ago and it was the same as mine. She is 3 inches taller than me. My brains immediate response was: You need to lose 10lbs. Because I'm shorter I should weigh less. I mentally slapped myself in the face after that.

(via)

 I'm far better off than I was in high school and college. I live a happy and healthy life now. But to say that it's not a daily struggle would be a lie. It is not a big struggle now, but it's always there in the back of my mind and sometimes just the right thing can trigger those thoughts. Luckily I'm surrounded by people that love me for exactly who I am, and most importantly I love exactly who I am.

Body dismorphic disorder and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) do not get discussed or publicized as much as anorexia and bulimia, but they are very real and just as harmful. If you have ever felt like this, please talk to someone and seek help. And if you know someone like this, talk to them and help them.

Happy and Healthy Cheers

Marisa

*this is the 3rd rendition that I've done of this post. I've never had the guts to post until now. 

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event

You guessed it....IT SNOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes Des Moines received it's first snowfall last night, and everything looked soooo pretty. Now the sun is out and it's warm and it's a big ole sloppy mess. Booooo. Still, this morning I threw on all my favorite winter gear to head out and enjoy the snow while it lasted.

(Hat: H&M Scarf: Burberry Sweater: Express)

(Pleated skirt pea coat: JCPenney Boots: Target)

 

I wanted to take some pretty pictures but by the time I left for work it had already started turning slushy :(

Oh well, I don't think anyone was ready for snow anyways.

Thanks so much for your kind comments on my last post. I know everything will be alright, but I'm the Queen of Worryland. I just need to take a deep breath and focus on ONE thing at a time.

First Snow Cheers!

Marisa

Lucid Dreaming

I'm a lucid dreamer. Are you? It's kind of an awesome thing really, it prevents nightmares from scaring the bejeezus out of me and also allows me to dictate my dreams ending. Which usually involves me being a bad ass and going all John McClane on someone. Anyways, while I allow myself to indulge my inner Die Hard fantasies, I always try to focus on what happened before I realized I was dreaming. I'm a firm believer that dreams are a manifestation of certain things going on in our lives that may be be bothering us that we aren't aware of or don't realize how much they are bothering us. Take Sunday night for an example:

So in my dream, I'm in some college town that I assume is supposed to be Ames, but it doesn't look a thing like Ames. Besides the point. I'm going to some house party to meet Drew and when I get there these two girls start talking to me and I have no idea who they are but they tell me I should ask Drew how his weekend was and I'm like alright you dumb whores I will. So I find him, and am all sooooo how was your weekend? (pretty sure it was the weekend in my dream...whatever I'm not a genius) and he's all oh it was fine. And the dumb whores behind me chime in something to the fact that he had hooked up with someone else. So dream self is all wtf is that true? To which he replies, well yeah, you live in Des Moines. It's at this point that I realize that I'm dreaming because dream self gets upset and storms outside and is making sobbing sounds but I. Can't. Cry. And in my dream I am all WHY AREN"T YOU CRYING? THIS IS THE SADDEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! Thats when I knew that I couldn't cry, because this isn't real because this would never happen. The boy who sends me good morning texts from his hunting tree perch to wish me a wonderful day and sends me emails that have strategically placed thought out emoticons wouldn't do that. So instead of going all John McClane in college dream land, I just woke up. 

I made myself wake up because I knew exactly why this dream happened. I've been stressing out about relocating to Minneapolis lately. I'm terrified that it could take me forever to find a job. And while I know I'm not technically from Iowa (and by technically I mean I'm not at all) this is still my home. And this is where my family is at. Okay not my biological family but the family I'm closest to. I truly do want, more than anything, to move and finally live in the same city, but my anxiety/ocd does not allow me to just skedaddle on out of Des Moines. There are so many things I want to make sure are thought out first, but sometimes it's just too overwhelming. 

Anyone ever had to relocate? Any advice? Suggestions? Good therapists in Des Moines/Minneapolis...???

Cheers, 

Marisa